...

books, papers, notes on the ground

eyes staring straight at the clock

tick tick tick

counting the blessed time

till i'm in you're arms again

basked in your warmth

spreading through my heart

hoping to banish my loneliness

in the land of emptiness

and i sat there imagining

would there be time when i could go without you

and my heart shattered at the thought

but still i fight the timeless battle of loving and missing you

distance seems to small a price to pay

for a bright smile of yours

the sign of an eternal love

how i miss you

Mom.

some much needed mental kick.

go ahead, AMiRA NAjAT! just go ahead and procrastinate some more. it's not like you're going to DIE tomorrow ey? go on~ it's not like Allah SWT would ask you HOW you used your time up during JUDGEMENT DAY, isn't it? so go now. have fun for a bit more. Mom and Dad's not going to be anymore disappointed of you after all you've said and done in the past. righty? it isn't like Along, Ajam and Ezat really, TOTALLY, hope that you'd succeed here, eh? others doesn't matter when you can just waste some more time in front of the computer. gosh!

Uqbah bin Amre Al-Ansari narrated that the Messenger of Allah said :

"Among the words people obtained from the First Prophecy are : If you feel NO SHAME, then DO AS YOU WISH."

(Al-Bukhari)

Tsk, tsk, tsk...

shame on you.

this is how much i miss her~

nostalgia menunggu zuhur.

dikala kesunyian menghambat diri, dek kerana kejauhan dirantau orang. dikala wajah-wajah terlihat bukanlah wajah-wajah yang mengisi hati. dikala malam-malam berlalu dengan mimpi-mimpi indah saat tawatangis kita bersama. dikala petang bukan lagi saat untuk minum teh dan bertanyakhabar dan bercerita khusyuk. ibu, ayah, kakak, dan adik-adikku, ketahuilah. aku senang dengan hanya bergantungharap dengan Dia yang Maha Tahu dan Maha Sayang agar sihat dan selamat kamu-kamu disana dan semoga hari berjumpa semula tiba dengan penuh rahmat dan redhaNya. sampai nanti, kekasih-kekasih hati.

anak murid.

murid-murid.

entiti yang selalu diperhati

selalu eksperimentasi

bagi para sang dewasa

apalah mereka ini

hanya sekadar objek atau item

untuk dicanai, diuli

membentuk rakyat sejati

sudah lama terlihat

dimata kami murid

orang dewasa sangat berkuasa

menentukan arah tuju hidup kami

berapa ratus markah kami

berapa ramai Gred A kami

berapa banyak yang kami perlu pelajari

kalau anak-anak murid yang bijak

tak perlu risau orang dewasa

"Seronok ajar budak pintar, tak perlu hempas pulas"

betul.

sejuk hati mengajar anak bijak

terang hati belaka

tapi anak yang sedikit lambat memaham?

"Saya tak mahu masuk kelas itu.

Budak kurang ajar. Pemalas. Bodoh pulak tu.

Mengapa perlu diajar orang yang pasti gagal?"

mudah sungguh ditolak tepi anak-anak itu

tapi sedarkah cikgu?

anak itu jua mahu belajar

cuma perlu dipimpin erat sedikit

cuma perlu disuap sedikit

tapi berapa ramai yang sudi

gengam erat jari anak berhingus itu?

suap cermat mulut anak comot itu?

berdosa cikgu

Allah sudah beri amanah

bukan anak kandung sahaja amanah

anak didik juga pembuka pintu rezeki

sama sahaja darjat mereka

walaupun bukan darah sendiri

ajarlah cikgu

sabarlah cikgu

bila mereka berjaya eja nama sendiri

tahulah cikgu rasa gembira

dan tersenyum para malaikat

melihat Allah memberi rahmati kepadamu

sesungguhnya redha Allah lebih tinggi nilai dari

sijil penghargaan hamba-hambaNya.

p/s : This is for you little brother. Smile, those people will pay later.

rumah

aku tak suka balik rumah.
sebab kat rumah tak ada orang.
kadang-kadang lepas subuh, tinggal la ak sorang-sorang.
mama pi sekolah.
ayah pi kerja.
azam pi kerja.
ezat pi sekolah.
along. nun jauh kat key-el nuh.
so tinggallah aku kat rumah sorang-sorang.
jiran-jiran sebelah pi kerja.
internet tak dak.

sedih.

time tengah hari mesti eksaited.
ayah balik.
ayah jarang suruh aku masak.
ayah kata tak pa, ayah beli lauk.
best.
bila lunch hour, ayah bawak balik lauk.
ada la orang kat umah.
tapi pastu ayah p kerja balik.

sedih balik.

pukul 2, dengaq orang bagi salam.
suara garau gitu.
aku sengih-sengih.
ezat tak bawak kunci lagi la tu.
biaq dia nganga depan tu.
sapa suruh tinggal kunci.
10 minit, aku bukak.
dia salam tangan, pastu terus tanya, lunch apa arini, mira?
ada lah.. ayah beli tadi. tapi aku goreng ikan masin masak asam.
dia sengih-sengih, yess!! muah3 peluk aku.
ahahahahahahaha ayam betul budak ni.

lunch dengan ezat. makan tak tambah la budak ni.
tinggi macam jerangkung tapi kurus.
patut la orang panggil dia ikan kering.
ahahahaha.
pukul 4, mama horn.
huhu ha sampai dah gabenor penang.
hahahaha busy kalah ketua menteri.
terus pi dapoq, intai2 bawah tudung saji.
ehehehe orang masak la mama arini.
jom jom makan. teman mama makan.
gosip-gosip 2 3 bakul.
mama naik solat.

pukul 6 bunyi skuter Moskito merah.
ha hero balik dah.
bagi salam. amboi lembut la sora.
ahahahah..
mira, hg masak apa harini?
pi la tengok nuh.
ehehehehe best-best.

pukul 7 ex5 pulak mengaum.
sampai dah ayah.
cepat-cepat angkat kain.
ezat!! jom angkat kain.
dentum hentak kaki anak teruna sorang tu.
awat hang tak panggil awaiii...
^^

malam best, lepak bilik ezat ngan azam sambil tengok hero 2 orang tu main game.
pastu sembang-sembang.
tengah malam azam balik main futsal, lepak kat dapoq, sembang lagi.
sampai subuh.

oh how i love these people.
and along too even though she's far away.
on holidays, we siblings would hang out at the kitchen talking about nothing in particular, joking around and when school term comes, we'd call each other each week.

and now its offical.
i miss home.

sad sad story

MashaAllah..
i've forgotten to inform you all that i no longer use my lebara number.
i've lost my phone while browsing the street of Auburn, New South Wales.
i've tried calling it and texting it but no respond. i've also checked the data list of the account and the number had called a Malaysian number. i'm very devastated but Allah knows whats best for me. May the incident be a lesson for me to take greater care of my belongings. Ya Raheem, strengthen my heart so that i can forgo what i've lost and be more focused on my real responsibilies to You. Ameen.
P/s : Dear Mama and Ayah, i won't be calling you as frequent as i used to. i'm sorry. T_T

nonsensical...

i shouldn't be sitting here writing blog

i always knew that

i need to get back to work

but somehow

writing here makes me feel alive

no not assignment

never assignment

well maybe sometimes

when i'm to absorbed in finishing it that i lost track of time

yeah i did, surprisingly

but writing blog is different

it allows me to be the person i really am

doesn't matter if i'm moody or ready to lash out any second

whats more important is that i can do what i want

oh okay,

i know i'm writing crap

i know i'm not making any sense

i know i'm losing my mind

and i know why

I JUST WANT TO GO HOME~

a single paragraph that narrates my feeling well..

'A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavour by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts' - Washington Irving.

Mom, I Love You with all my heart and until the last breath i take.

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers in the world.

dear mom.

dear mom,

i know we are far apart,
i know you missed me and i couldn't call everyday,
i know i'm not a good daughter,
i know i always make you sad,
i know i always make you worry,
i know i always make you cry,
i know i've let you down more times than i could count.

and i know i'm not good with words,
but mom,
i wish i could take back my harsh words,
i wish i could measure up to your expectations,
i wish i could make you proud,
i wish i could make you smile,
i wish i could wipe your tears away,
i wish i could be there whenever you need me,

how i wish i could hug you right now,
but just looking at your picture,
i'll know i'll always be in your mind.

so mom,

forgive me for my sins to you,
and keep me close to your heart,
because i know you are never far from mine.

'Happy Mother Day' to the most wonderful mother in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD..
I LOVE YOU MOTHER.

love,
your daughter.

(written last night)

say what?

on this post is dedicated to the end of our first round of assignments.
congratulations to fellow cohort mates.
now lets see, what am i going to write today.... hmm...
oh i dont know, i feel like writing something but nothing came into mind since this morning.
oh yeah, i know..
why don't i write about what i have been doing here in Down Under so far.

starting with trips around Queensland.
so far, i've been to a few places here but because of i'm kinda lazy to write anything longer that 200 words, i'd just had to be satisfied with listing them down and maybe scrape a few comments here and there alright?
here goes....
-Gold Coast
-Stradbroke Island
-Byron Bay
-Sunshine Coast
-Queensland museum
-Queensland's Gallery of Arts
-Mount Coot-tha
-Brisbane City
-Southbanks parklands.
-DFO, Brisbane Airport.
-Harbourtown

now, i went to the first three places listed in trips organized by the ISS or International Students' Services. whilst the others, i went with friends. nothing much to be said about this places accept that they're AWESOME and KICK-ASS FUN!!
the beaches are refreshing after a numbing coldness of Uni and the other places are simply breathtaking!! i should've post up some pictures but then i'm too lazy to wait for the slow and painstaking process of editing those pictures and uploading them. do you guys realise that editing about 500 pictures is tiring as hell?? ^^ never mind, maybe i'll upload them from time to time but bear with my laziness ok..

now what else what else...
oh yeah, its been two months i've been here... can you believe it?? i know i don't.. huhu but yes, it is. and in this two months, i've cooked more dishes than i did for the last 20 years. can you believe it?? ahahahahahaa... i'm shocked as 'heaven' myself. and i've been trying recipes that i could only imagine cooking before. how good is that?? awesome eh? wait till the end of next year and i might at well open up a restaurant. ahahahaha.. naahhh.. joking.. i wouldn't trade my work for a ton of gold.

ok next... hmm.. living with fellow cohortmates. gosh, they are simply the best and very2 helpful.. one only need to ask and kapooff volunteers on the way. love them more with every passing moment that ive spent here.

oh yeah and i've been closer to my family than i'd imagine i'd be. you see, before, i'd only call my parents whenener i'm going home but now, i've been calling them for almost everyday in the last two months. and more importantly, i'm beginning to bond with my father. now thats something else. hmm.. better not talk further about this eh..

so yeah, this two months has taught me a lot more than merely reading a book would do. hopefully, i'd learn a lot more in the next one and a half year to come. ameenn...

Allah....

i feel void of energy after hearing one very sad story. a cousin who just got married few months ago is about to get divorced. what?! Allahuakhbar.. not only that. the sad story does not end there. the cousin's father, who is a long-suffering kidney failure patient has only 3 years left to breath in the sweet air of Allah's earth. whilst the mother were shocked to found out that her kidneys too are failing due to high blood pressure. Ya Allah, this test is very hard for me to digest, what about my cousins who are in very much need of their parents at this crucial time?
i don't know what else to do but pray. very very hard. Ya Allah, please give my cousins a chance to solve everything with their parents standing unmoving behind them. Ya Allah, please answer my prayer, your sinful servant. Please please please.
Hasbunallah wani'mal wakeel... Ya Rahman Ya Rahim

heart? gone.

met erika just now for a personal, chit-chat like meeting. well, she's one of the person that i feel very comfortable of talking to. i'll fill in about the meeting later but first, i'll tell you why i feel comfortable talking to her. as i've said in my previous post, i'm not a very sociable person. some might think i am but the truth is, i am NOT. so, its safe to say that i rarely find someone out of my family circle that i could talk to and make me feel safe. she has a way of looking at you that'll make you feel like your words matters a lot to her. makes you feel good about yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin. she has that ability. and not to mention that she's very motherly, whats with her stern and no nonsense attitude mix with sense of humour that left people giggling their stomach out. so, yeah, i rarely found one like that and its a blessing that here, thousands of miles away from home that i had the chance to meet with one.

so back to the topic, i wont discuss everything here since its quite a confidential matters that we were talking about just not. nonetheless, i'll tell about something that really makes me want to cry my eyes out. the story goes like this....

we were chatting about something when she asked me about my realtionship with my brothers and sister now that i am here, a good 9 hours away from them. cant deny it, i was a bit shocked that she ask so because never in my life had someone ask me such question. that very question reverts my mind back to malaysia and to be more specific to my youngest brother whom i share the strongest bond with. then i said everything was fine with my other siblings. the only different is the fact that i had the most drastic changes in my life happening at almost the same time. 3 weeks before i was about to come to australia, i had to send him away to a boarding school.

life has never been more lonely since then. i'm not that close to him in a sense that we never really talked much but our very presence complements each other. we sometimes talk about life and stuffs that only the two of us could comprehend since we share the same wavelength, much to my mother's dismay =). that makes me missed him so much. and since he's in a boarding school, he couldnt bring along his mobile which annoys me to no end as i cant reach him whenever u dim necessary. but we were still in the same country and state.

now that i'm here, i feel so lost. cant quite put my finger into this feeling but it's tearing me up inside. i pray to Allah that He would give me the strength to be away from my family and study with open heart and mind. that's all i need for now. But i also pray that i'll get the chance to talk to Biggie again (yes, that would be my brother). Amin ya rabbal alamin...

this feeling

today, i just cant take my mind off home. never had i feel such urge to take the first flight home. to be honest, i have never felt homesick in the 5 years of me staying in hostel during my school years and my foundation years. nor have i feel the need to talk to my family members everyday. but now, i feel like crying whenever i saw the pictures or think about those left behind in my persuit to study here in brisbane.
why do i feel this way is still a mistery to me. i almost stumble on my knee whenever i think about the two years of staying here without seeing the face of my mom, dad, sister and brothers.
this feeling is very new. being here changes me into a reflective person from the careless person i am before. not that i have anything to complain about but rather i hate to mope around thinking about something i just cant change. my being here is solely of my own choice. yet, there's something missing from me and i cant quite put my finger into what it is.
well, maybe it's come to me later but for now, i just cant do anything else. all i can do is keep everything to myself and avoid being among fellow cohortmates for fear they might sense my distress and sorrow.
this past few days, i've been staying alone a lot. i cant bear to pretend that i am ok when i am not, anymore. something that i've succeed in doing all my life. maybe if i cut my self some slack, i'll bounce back. so lets just hope i dont lose my sanity here since i have a mission to accomplish.

viva la familia!

family is closes and most important element in a person's life. whether one's family is small or large, they valued more than life. i always had been a great believer that every living soul in the this world love and would even wiling to take a bullet for their family. until something happen last friday that totally change my view on human being.

i was hanging around with my buddies when suddenly the one driving got a phone call from a friend's sister. she seems tensed and starting to lose her focus on the road. it turns out that the caller was kicked out of her house by my friend and their mother. ( the father died few years back). she had no where else to go and no one to turn to. poor girl, she'd lost her dad and now were thrown out of her own house. we were so shocked and aggravated. and to top it off, she was even beaten by the mother. the reason for throwing her out being she was suspected for drinking (and i dont mean sky juice, mind you). judging from her appearance and from my friend's anger, she didnt do it.

so now, i'm left to wonder, is there still a thing called brotherly (or in this case sisterly) love in this world? ok, i might be wrong about her not drinking but as a sister, isnt it your responsibility to guide your siblings? for god's sake, think with your head! not your anger! so, getting rid of the sister make her change for the better? are you mad, woman? she's just 18 you moron! yes i am angry and frustrated! wont you? an 18 year old girl being beaten and kicked out off the house in the middle of the night without a penny on her pocket! imagine that!

so moral of the story people, what ever happen, NEVER, leave your family astray cause you might give more room for disaster to happen.

p/s: i'm trying very hard to advise BIGGIE to quit smoking.. seems like eating MCD after running on threadmill~

first light~

ahhh... finally i'm home...

i've been waiting for so long for this moment...

got to meet both of my brothers and my sis also my parents at the same time.

(bro's working night shift the last time i got home..)

miss them badly..

cant imagine not seeing them personally for two years.. hmmm two years eh?

hell for some and heaven for others...

as for me, i feel numb whenever i think about my going away for two years abroad.

quite a distance from HOME. Malaysia. Home Sweet Home..

well well well, quite melancholy of me today..

thanks to mom's nagging just now makes me thinking, how am i going to live without her nagging me for two years?

some people might see mothers as universal naggers (is there an English word as such?? LOL).

but for me, her nagging is my inspiration to think clearly and RATIONALLY each time i'm about to or has committed the stupidest mistakes ever..

going to miss every soul in this house~ mom dad along ajam and ezad. my life.

ok, now i am babbling nonsense..

better go do something before i start rambling secrets here.

da~

salam.

maaf tak bermakna lagi...

entri pertama aku dalam bahasa ibunda.
khas buat wan tersayang, Md. Radzi bin Jusoh.

tanggal 18 November 2009, 2 Zulhijjah 1430, tepat pukul 1 petang.
aku berlarian dari Dewan Kesyukuran, dewan makanku di Kem Bina Negara Meru, menuju ke Wira 2, mencari telefon bimbit.

semalam along mengkhabarkan wan sudah nazak. mereka dan saudara2 lain sedang membacakan yaasin. bersedia dengan segala kemungkinan.

aku kira, sempatlah aku ingin bertanya perkembangan kesihatan wan hari itu. esoknya hari terakhir kem. jikalau wan sudah stabil, bolehlah aku bergegas pulang ke Penang sehabis kem.

telefon dicapai. 1 missed call. 3 messages.
panggilan along tidak bersambut, 10.34 am. mesej dari Hotlink, Maksu dan along.
jariku menggigil. hatiku tidak keruan.
aku cuba menenangkan diri dengan membaca junk message dari hotlink.
kemudian mesej maksu, 'mira blik ka?'

*terpaku*

mau balik kemana?
mesej along, '****..wan dh mgl..pg td kul 10.30 td'
terduduk.
terkaku.
lutut ku lemah.
telefon hampir terlepas.
segera ak mencari aliaa.
kukira dia baru pulang dari dewan makan.

diluar dormnya, dia menyapa.
'aliaa,i need to talk to you.'
'jom2 masok dorm ak'

*duduk*

aliaa, wan aku dah takde.
*diam*

tangan aliaa mengusap bahuku.
pecah empangan.

itu sahaja yang mampu ku lakukan.

senyum tawa,
riak muka,
sinar mata.
zero.
nada.
no more.
takde.
hilang.

wan, esok mira balik penang.
sekejap sahaja lagi.
wan.
kenapa tak tunggu mira.

kenapa
kenapa
kenapa

*bungkam*