loved, lost and the happily ever after ending~

falling in love is one of the most wonderful feelings in the whole wide world.
everyone, and i mean EVERYONE, used to fall in love. (dont lie, even love for thou family is considered as falling in love)
i, too, felt in love twice and eventhough some calls it puppy love (i have no idea that puppy could fall in love, though LOL), i felt good about it and i thanked Allah swt each and every single day for allowing to experience this awesome feeling called love.even if it is for a while.

however, i always have ugly time once its all over. the first time i broke up with my then boyfriend i felt very darn miserable that i cried whenever i saw his face and believe me, my eyes swallowed twice the original size. (what do you expect, we were in the same school..) and it happened when i was only 13.

the next heartbreak happened when i was 15. but this time i really have a hard time letting go and miving on because i really madly and irrevocably in love with him. (at that time, i THOUGHT he is the one.. how stupiak of me aite?) since then, i make a promise to myself that i will not fall in love anymore. no more.

i bad at relationships and am worse when it comes to the separation part. so i thought, why should i burden myself then? i could just distance myself from everyone so that i won't feel the terrible emptiness after everything's over.

and guess what? i did it! i was able to put a distance to everyone around me. not even my family could get within arm reach to me. (literally okay guys) and to prove my theory, the day i was going to depart to down under, i hardly cry! the heart-wrenching feeling only comes around about 3 days later and it wasn't as bad as i was expecting.i do miss my family but somehow, i am able to self-motive my life and move on.


no love lost in this story. i won! now, i very much believe that i can survive with my heart firmly in tact if i was able to build a barrier around myself from people. maybe some might find my theory distracting or even horrifying but nobody knows myself like i do. so, bear with me and if anyone doesn't or couldn't agree with me, i'm always open to argument. fire away, mate~

this feeling

today, i just cant take my mind off home. never had i feel such urge to take the first flight home. to be honest, i have never felt homesick in the 5 years of me staying in hostel during my school years and my foundation years. nor have i feel the need to talk to my family members everyday. but now, i feel like crying whenever i saw the pictures or think about those left behind in my persuit to study here in brisbane.
why do i feel this way is still a mistery to me. i almost stumble on my knee whenever i think about the two years of staying here without seeing the face of my mom, dad, sister and brothers.
this feeling is very new. being here changes me into a reflective person from the careless person i am before. not that i have anything to complain about but rather i hate to mope around thinking about something i just cant change. my being here is solely of my own choice. yet, there's something missing from me and i cant quite put my finger into what it is.
well, maybe it's come to me later but for now, i just cant do anything else. all i can do is keep everything to myself and avoid being among fellow cohortmates for fear they might sense my distress and sorrow.
this past few days, i've been staying alone a lot. i cant bear to pretend that i am ok when i am not, anymore. something that i've succeed in doing all my life. maybe if i cut my self some slack, i'll bounce back. so lets just hope i dont lose my sanity here since i have a mission to accomplish.

The Light

Blinking my eyes

As I saw the blinding light

Coming my way.

Always wonder

How could my life turn this way?

How could it be the me now?

Physically, mentally, emotionally,

Changed.

Thie light is getting brighter

Is this the future I am heading to?

Or is this the sign that my life is ending?

Which ever journey I am fated to take

I am very sure

It won’t be a short one

Hahaha

Who knows

You know?

I know I don’t

Well lets cross over to the bright side

And we’ll see what’s in store for us.

Pseudohumane 12.13am January 12, 2010

people says a picture could tell a thousand words. but now, i believe that pictures, too, do keeps track of hidden memories.

when some believe that by looking at a picture, we can tell how the person in the pictures is feeling at that time. i, on the other hand

believe that a picture too do represents the photographer's feling and the atmosphere at that time. that's why,

when i was going through my folders in the computer, tears keeps folling down whenever i saw the picture of my family. not only because

i was looking at the faces of my true loves who are, literally, a thousand miles away, but also because i could remember their smiles, laughs,

the atmosphere when the picture was taken. oh how i miss their laughter.

the day when my family sent me the airport, just could not cry. it's not because i was eager to be away from the bosom of my family. but rather

because i just can't. i'm not used to crying in the presence of people. not even my family saw me ccry that day. only a few times did i shed some tears.

but now, after three days and around 5 thousand miles later in the presence of a family photo, that i shed the uncried tears of days before, during and

after my departure from malaysia. now i'm having a headache that will last for a couple of days which is fine with me since tomorrow is saturday. thank Allah

for that. now that i had done my crying, i hope that i could pull my self together and get on with my life here. after all, i cant just hop on the next plane

and fly back to malaysia. i'm bearing a lot of people's hope to be a better person and a great teacher.

now's my calling to be strong mentally and physically here on the land of Down Under.

2/13/2010 1:42am

kelvin grove campus